Kick In The Head
by DarkToLight
Summary: Living with Rangiku as your Lieutenant was hard, especially when constantly ignoring her advances got you branded as gay. -HitsugayaRangiku, HitsuMatsu- -Rated for drinking- -Post-BLEACH timeline-


**Molre uploading of old work!**

So yeah, I'm snowed under with stupid amounts of exams atm. I wrote this a while ago (when I should have been revising) and you can all have it now!

This is a pairing that seems to be quite popular, although I can't say I love it. Still, it's cute ^^ This is set quite a long time after the current series.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach. Which is actually a good thing, as I can't draw as well as Kubo...

**Kick In The Head**

_[You are not the root of the problem. Well, you are. But you're the whole damned tree, too.]_

"Rangiku!" Hitsugaya shouted. He waited. No response was forthcoming. "Oi, Rangiku!" Still there was no response, so he jumped down from his chair and stuck his head around the door. "Rangiku, I… Oh." He stopped, seeing that she was conspicuously absent from the room adjoining his office. He set off in search of her, grumbling the whole time about useless, lazy Lieutenants who never pulled their rather considerable weight. Not that he considered Rangiku to be fat, nobody could accuse her of that, but the sheer weight of her assets had to count for something.

* * *

"Hoi! Rangiku! Where the hell are you?" He demanded, standing in the snow in the middle of the general sprawl of the buildings of Squad ten, now irritated beyond belief. If he had known it was possible for a man to be irritated so much by one woman, he would have tried to transfer to another division. She'd seemed nice enough when she stood up for him in the Rukongai… "Ranking! Rangiku Matsumoto, if you do not get your lousy, worthless, good-for-nothing self out here _right now_, heads are going to roll! Yours will be the first!" He shouted, kicking the snow irritably. "Oh, where _is_ she?" He asked the empty courtyard. "Hey! Anyone! Tell your Captain where his worthless Lieutenant is!" Silence. It was like the entire tenth company had suddenly and inexplicably deserted. Perhaps this had been what the place had been like when they'd been placed under house arrest for his stupid mistakes.

But that was long past now.

He walked around, casting his senses out for a glimpse of Rangiku's reiatsu, and found that she was masking it. Well, she was probably out doing something dubious, like getting roaring drunk. Hitsugaya twitched. She had become extremely adept at masking her spiritual pressure even when apparently out cold on the floor, so waiting wasn't an option.

"Damn you, Rangiku," he muttered. He was going to have to go searching properly.

* * *

"Hey, have you seen-" he started, trying to catch the attention of passing Soul Reapers, who all summarily ignored him as though he had been wiped out of existence. It was like walking amongst humans without a gigai – irritating and likely to get you pushed around. He wasn't even all that small any more – although he still maintained that having to cope with Rangiku had stunted his growth, leaving him at what seemed to be a maximum of 5'2". It irritated him, but, as a taller Momo often pointed out with glee, he couldn't do anything about it.

Perhaps he should have stolen Captainship of Fifth while he could.

"Hello! Excuse me! I am a _captain! _Speak to me!" He insisted, making an extremely irritated noise as he was ignored once more. "Rangiku! You're going to pay in _blood_ for this," he growled.

"Oh, hey, Captain," the voice of the source of his short stature piped up, and he looked up to find her on the roof. "I was supposed to go looking for you, you know. You screwed things up."

"Things?" Hitsugaya repeated, but she ignored him, jumping down from the roof instead. The impact of her feet with the floor caused interesting things to happen to her upper body, which he ignored as stoically as he had been for the past… However many decades it had been. Too many, that much was all that was certain.

"Come with me," she insisted, dragging him off in the direction of what seemed to be fifth company.

Well, this didn't bode well.

* * *

"Toshiro!" Momo greeted enthusiastically, hugging him tightly. "Happy birthday!"

"Urgh, Momo, quit it!" Hitsugaya protested. "Birthday? Oh. Yeah. That." Momo released him with a laugh and ran into the large crown of people – had they seriously organised a party? – and Rangiku put her hands on his shoulders and steered him forwards.

"Happy birthday, Captain Hitsugaya," Izuru greeted.

"Learn lessons from him, Momo! Some people have respect!" Hitsugaya shouted into the crowd. "Thank you, Captain Kira. It's appreciated." Izuru smiled weakly.

"I just hope you survive the night," he replied wryly.

"Izuru! Drink with me!" Shuuhei insisted, appearing. "Oh, hey, happy birthday, Hitsugaya. Enjoy it and whatnot. I've got first dibs on the drink."

"Shuuhei!" Rangiku protested. "It's _his_ birthday!"

"Which _you_ forgot," Shuuhei shot back. "Besides, _I _provided most of the alcohol. A Captain's wage doesn't go that far, you know!" Rangiku smacked him playfully, so he grabbed Izuru and slunk off, presumably to hoard the drink.

"This is unnecessary, you know," Hitsugaya muttered. "It's just my birthday."

"And it's _that_ attitude we're out to change!" Rangiku replied happily. "Now, I'm going to make sure you get so drunk you can't even remember your own name."

"Get away from me and go and do the work you were _supposed_ to be doing this evening," he snapped. "I have work-"

"Not any more," Rangiku trilled. "Come on, Captain, it's your birthday! Enjoy yourself!" Hitsugaya sighed.

"It seems you leave me with no choice," he responded, rolling his eyes.

* * *

Contrary to all of Rangiku's attempts, some drunk and some not, he did not get drunk, mostly because he didn't relish the inevitable headache the morning after. Because of that, he woke on a sofa in Fifth company – he hadn't been allowed to go back to tenth – with the sun, and waiting for the inevitable groaning to ensue.

He put some tea on.

"I don't believe the guy," he heard Shuuhei mutter as he made his way back in. "She wants him. It's obvious. And if you're gonna deny _that_, well…"

"She was drunk," Izuru pointed out. "He's a good guy. He just didn't want to take advantage."

"If you ask me, he wouldn't anyway," Shuuhei remarked. "He's obviously batting for the other team, if you get my drift." Hitsugaya kicked the door open with possibly slightly more force than necessary.

"Tea?" He offered, as though he hadn't just heard that conversation take place. Shuuhei and Izuru exchanged guilty looks.

"Sure thing," Shuuhei agreed eventually. "You shouldn't make tea when it's your birthday, you know that?"

"Everyone else will be hungover," Hitsugaya replied with a shrug. "Pass it around. I'm going back to my Division. I have work to do."

"Izuru, he's just stolen your crown for 'world's most work-obsessed freak," Shuuhei remarked, patting his friend on the shoulder as if to console him.

"I'm not obsessed with work!" Izuru disagreed.

"Two hours, Izu. A pile _this tall_." Shuuhei emphasised the immense tallness of the pile with an exaggerated hand movement. "That is either dedication or madness, and I'm not sure which." Hitsugaya walked out of the door abruptly, not caring who won the argument.

* * *

Hitsugaya tapped his fingers on the table, thinking. It wasn't that Shuuhei was right – he wasn't – but the fact that people might think things like that about him did irk him somewhat. So what, he ignored her? If he didn't he'd never get any work done, and since there was nothing lazier than Matsumoto that would mean no work got done, period. He'd grown used to her constant advances over the years – he'd always considered it to be her strange form of friendship, since she was like that with almost every male she met. And when she was drunk, she wasn't thinking straight. It wouldn't have been _right_ to accept her…

But he'd wanted to. He couldn't deny that he'd wanted to.

He mulled that over for a while. Would anyone have _not_ wanted to? But he was a Captain, she was his subordinate. Was it really _right_? Besides, when she came to her senses and wasn't off her face on alcohol, she might reconsider, and then he'd have to put up with her cold shoulder treatment, which was arguably worse than her normal breasts-in-face treatment.

He swirled his pen around in the inkpot, the same sheet of paper in front of him as had been there for about quarter of an hour. He really was getting nowhere. It was ridiculous. He should just forget about the stupid party and do his work.

He'd much preferred the quieter 'parties' they'd had before, just him, Rangiku, Momo, and… And Aizen, on the room of some building, looking out at the stars or the fireworks in the cold with a hot drink and thinking. She on Ichimaru, at least then, he on her, and who knew where Momo was involved.

Aizen he'd rather forget.

He sighed softly, leaving the brush in the pot and leaning back on his chair until the back of it touched the wall behind him with a small 'tock' sound. He put his feet up on the desk. Reminiscing, now, that was a dangerous thing to do. He didn't need the past – especially not last night – so why he was remembering it eluded him. From eating watermelons with Momo in the Rukongai, entering the Academy, his fight with Kusaka, becoming a Soul Reaper, then a Captain, then everything about Aizen, then Kusaka _again_, then Aizen again… He sighed. It was all too much. He just wanted to leave it all behind, but he couldn't.

He sighed again, more heavily this time, resting one arm over his face to cover his eyes. It _would be_ easy just to give in to Rangiku, he admitted, but then… What? What happened after you gave in to someone like that? Probably very little change, when he thought about it… Or would it? Even if she did get someone to submit to her advances, would she change because of that? Probably not. Dating Rangiku Matsumoto seemed likely to make a man jealous. Maybe several men, actually. The dater _and_ the rejected. Yes, it was only ever going to end in disaster.

But that condemned her to loneliness, didn't it?

Hitsugaya made a frustrated noise and kicked back off the wall, jumping from the chair and catching it before it went tumbling to the floor. He was getting nothing done sitting and thinking. It was ridiculous. So, with all that in mind, he went for a walk.

* * *

"Oh, hi, Captain," Rangiku greeted when he got back.

"Headache?" He asked. She shook her head.

"I wasn't _that_ drunk," she protested. "Perhaps tipsy. No, over the other side of tipsy. I shall classify last night as… mildly intoxicated."

"You were off your face," he disagreed bluntly, sitting back at his desk. "Totally out of it."

"I was _not_," Rangiku disagreed. "Like _you_ would know, Mr Tee-total and loving it."

"I've seen the way you lot get. No thank you," he shot back. "You must have been drunk. Although, that said, you didn't drape yourself all over Shuuhei like you normally do…"

"I do not!" She responded hotly. "Shuu's only a friend, anyway. Even if I was plastered I wouldn't 'drape myself all over him'." She seemed honestly upset by this accusation, which surprised Hitsugaya. "Ugh, you. You're such a lousy jerk," she muttered, grabbing a handful of papers and storming off to the adjoining work. Hitsugaya could have sworn he actually heard the sound of work being done coming from the room soon after.

…_Have I just made her do paperwork?_ He wondered, amazed. _Is that really all it takes?_ He peered through the crack of the door. She was doing work, her face a mixture of anger and sadness. _I made her mad, and… Upset her. Mildly intoxicated, huh? Pfft. She was drunk._ He retreated from the door, trying to ignore the guilt eating at him. _Well it's not like it's a bad thing. She's working, isn't she? You wouldn't want to spoil that, would you, Toshiro?_ He made a weary noise. _No. Don't do it, me. Just wait… Wait until she's done the work…_ He sighed. "Stupid guilt," he muttered, walking in to the room.

"Get out. Jerk. _Captain_ Jerk," she insisted, waving him away as he entered.

"Look, Rangiku-" he started, automatically ducking to avoid whatever she'd thrown at him _this_ time. "Look. Mildly intoxicated, whatever." She looked up at him.

"Get lost," she muttered. He rolled his eyes.

"For crying out loud, Rangiku," he replied. "Last night. When you were tipsy, mildly intoxicated, drunk, whatever. What you said. Did you mean that?"

"I'm not some drunk slut," she muttered. "I don't just go offering favours to people because I'm a little under the influence, you know? 'Draping myself all over him', tch, as if." Hitsugaya ran a hand down his face.

"I thought it was the drink," he murmured. "Well, now I feel like an idiot. No wonder they think I'm gay." He sighed. "Damn it all, Rangiku, don't wait until you've been drinking all night! That makes me _less_ inclined to agree to whatever you may be offering. Don't you know me at all?" Rangiku sighed, dropping her brush back into the pot of ink.

"I know you," she replied. "I just forget that I do when I've been drinking. Forget enough to think that _Captain Jerk_ would never actually say yes."

"Quit calling me that," Hitsugaya snapped. "Captain Hitsugaya, Captain, or maybe Hitsugaya if I'm in a good mood, but not 'Captain Jerk'. Got it?"

"Sure thing, _Captain_," Rangiku shot back. He listened hard, and thought he _might_ have caught her add the jerk onto the end of it, but had no proof.

"Don't sulk," he insisted. "I mean it. I've never seen you do paperwork before. It scares me." Rangiku threw a slipper at his head, which he caught and chucked to one side. "Alright, alright!" he exclaimed. "Give me those." He swiped the papers from her desk. "Can we come to a compromise?" She looked at him suspiciously. "You stop sulking, and I'll stop ignoring you. Deal?" Rangiku frowned.

"Seriously?" She asked. "Uh, Captain?" He nodded, arms folded, looking rather hard-done-by.

"Yeah, whatever," he muttered. "I'd have to be pretty stupid to turn _you_ down, after all." Rangiku made a delighted noise, practically jumping up and crushing him in an overenthusiastic hug. Hitsugaya sighed. "Rangiku, please get your assets out of my face," he requested, although it was muffled. "It's hard to breathe." Rangiku let go of him, and he fanned himself with the papers, looking irked. "And I expect you to tell your friends that I am _not_, in fact, homosexual, and it is actually very hard to deal with work when you have a pretty woman flaunting herself at you at every opportunity, is that clear?"

"Oh, I'll make sure they understand," Rangiku replied with a scheming grin.

* * *

Apparently, her method for that was to kiss him movie style – roles reversed, much to his annoyance – in front of said friends. It wasn't that he was complaining exactly, he had never kissed Rangiku before, nor even any woman, really, and it was a nice experience, but he resented being turned into the woman of the couple just because Rangiku was a little more dominant than he was. And a little taller.

Maybe he'd actually gain a few more inches now.

* * *

**A/N - **Let me know what you think ^^

* * *


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